Will Styler
Associate Teaching Professor of Linguistics at UC San Diego
Director of UCSD's Computational Social Science Program
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As my students are sadly aware, I’m a connoisseur of really awfulpuns and wordplay. I’ve been collecting them for years, sharing withfriends and family, and posting them on social media with the#crappypuns hashtag. Some are Will Styler originals, somewere given to me by friends, and many were found around the web. All arejust awful.
So, here’s a small part of my pun collection, ones that my friendsand students have already heard, shared for the betterment (?) of theinternet in general. I’ll update from time to time as I find more ormore arrive on my doorstep.
Presented in no particular order, with long-form puns or puns withsimilar attribution separated out.
Last Update: 3/13/23
How can you spot a nosy pepper? It gets Jalapeño business!
I’m addicted to brake fluid, but it’s OK because I can stop at anytime.
What did the prescriptivist owl say? Whom whom.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have arum …………………. and co*ke.”
The bartender asks, “What’s with the big pause?”
The bear shrugs. “I was born with them.”
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
Did you know deer can jump higher than the average house? It’sbecause of their strong hind legs and the fact that the average housecan’t jump.
In German Prisoner-of-War camps, escapes were a a major problem, sothey would try to break the prisoners’ spirits by making them domindless things. In particular, they would make the prisoners stand in aline and all move their heads like a clock back and forth and say, ‘ticktock tick tock.’
Some prisoners, unable to escape or otherwise change their situation,chose a very subtle rebellion. They would do the head motions, butinstead of ‘tick tock tick tock’, they would wait until the guards werefurther down the line and switch to ‘tick tick tick.’
None of the guards noticed this was going on for many months, untilfinally, a young lieutenant was caught ticking by a senior SS Captainwalking behind the line.
The captain stopped the exercise, walked over, face-to-face with theyoung man, and “A rebel. Vell, don’t vorry, ve have vays of making youtock.’
What did one eye say to the other? Just between you and me, somethingsmells.
What do you say to a Llama that loves picnicking? Alpaca lunch.
A vacationing penguin is driving his through Arizona when he noticesthat the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oildripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops atthe first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town.He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides thatsomething cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of icecream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess tryingto eat with his flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station. Themechanic looks up and says “Looks like you blew a seal.”
“No no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.”
A photon checks into a hotel. The front desk asks if it has anyluggage. It replies “no, I’m traveling light”
I can’t stand Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
Did you hear about the glass blower who accidentally inhaled? He gotstomach pane.
What do you call a snail that isn’t moving? An escar-stay.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? They’re reallymaking headlines.
If you see an Apple Store get robbed, does that make you aniWitness?
Why couldn’t the pony sing in the choir? He was a little horse.
Did you hear about the woman who loved making archery supplies? Everyday she went to work, she quivered with joy!
The past, the present and the future all walk into a bar. It wastense.
What’s the body temperature of a Tauntaun? Luke Warm.
Why did the hipster burn his mouth on pizza? Because he ate it beforeit was cool.
One day, on the savannah, a lion, a cheetah, an elephant and awarthog were all sitting around after their respective meals anddiscussing which species has the biggest potential for success. Theelephant suggested that they settle this, once and for all, and thatthey take a cue from humans and test this by starting their ownbusinesses, and then checking in in a month to see who did best.
The Warthog decided to hire other warthogs to occupy the shadiestgroves, and then charged animals $5 to lay in the shade.
The Elephant built an elaborate harness for his back, and chargedother animals $15 for elephant rides.
The Lion started a personal protection racket, offering gazellesprotection from the lions in exchange for a fee of $10.
But the Cheetah had the best idea of all, starting a courier service,using his incredible speed to bring messages from animal to animal, allacross the savannah, for $20. Within weeks, all the animals were usingthe Cheetah’s service to communicate, while the lion, elephant, andwarthog sat mostly idle.
Finally, a month had passed, and the elephant, cheetah, warthog, andlion met up again with their bank statements to try and guess who mightwin. The Warthog had earned $150, the Elephant had earned $185, the Lionhad earned $200. But Cheetah’s bank statement showed only $2. The otheranimals were shocked, because “Fast Cat Courier” was the most successfulbusiness by far. The other animals asked Cheetah what went wrong.
“Business has been great,” the spotted cat said, “but alas, Cheetahsnever prosper.”
Rumors of a food shortage at this year’s spoonerism conference turnedout to be a complete lack of pies.
Don’t ever believe an atom, they make up everything.
I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.
Did you hear that Cray computing is working on a new supercomputingcluster designed specifically to simulate mental illness? They’recalling it the Cray Cray.
Why does Waldo (from Where’s Waldo) always wear a striped shirt? Hedoesn’t want to be spotted.
I dropped my toothpaste, I’m crestfallen.
Girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre.So he gives it to her.
I went to a zoo the other day, but there was only one dog there. Itwas a sh*tzu.
Why did the scarecrow get an award? He was outstanding in hisfield.
A Roman walks in to a bar and says “I’ll have a martinus.”
The bartender says “you mean a martini?”
The Roman replies “no, if I wanted a double I would have asked forone.”
Be kind to dentists. They have fillings too, you know.
All the toilets in the NYPD headquarters have been stolen. The policeapparently have nothing to go on.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was really just a playon words.
Why did the can crusher quit her job? It was soda-pressing.
What do you call a broken can opener? A can’t opener.
Why do people love switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus. UnlikeCanada’s, which I could take or leaf.
Becoming vegetarian was a huge missed steak.
I was was going to tell a joke about a dead parrot, but it was waytoo Macawbre.
How do trees feel in the Spring? Releaved.
Why do defense lawyers go out for Mexican food when they’re feelingdown? To get some case-ideas!
Did you hear about the sale on paddles? It was quite theoar-deal.
If a Wizard uses magic to hold up a camera and take a picture ofhimself, is that a Spellfie?
Did you hear that the Devil is going bald? Yeah, there’s gonna behell toupee.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? He Neverlands. (Sorry, but that jokenever grows old).
What language do bridges speak? Span-ish.
If a kid won’t take a nap, is that “resisting a rest”?
What do you call a dog magician? A Labracadabrador Retriever.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three, the right, the left, andthe final front ear.
A king, wanting to host an elaborate wedding for his daughter, raisedtaxes on all citizens of the kingdom by thirty pieces of gold. Everybodypaid, except for one young count.
The king sent a tax collector, but the count refused. “This isunfair, and I shall not pay!”
The king sent the sheriff, but the count refused. “I will not supportthe king’s new tax!”
Finally, the king had the count arrested, and thrown in the dungeon.He explained to the count that failure to pay was treason, and he wouldbe executed, yet still, the count refused.
So, the king had him brought to the top of the tower, and neck on theblock, with the executioner’s axe raised. The king asked the count topay. He defiantly shouted, “Never!”
Then, as the executioner’s axe began to fall, the count shouted “OK!I’ll pay!”. But it was too late, the executioner couldn’t stop the heavyaxe, and the count was killed.
The moral of this story? Don’t hatchet your counts before theychicken.
Straws are for suckers.
What do you call a lawyer who can cook? A sue chef
Did you hear about the World War I soldier who survived both pepperspray and mustard gas? He was a seasoned veteran.
Why do Buddhist monks avoid sending word documents? They’re supposedto avoid attachments.
Why do teenage girls travel in odd numbered groups? Because they justcan’t even.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’dnever met herbivore.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned onme.
Broken pencils are pointless.
Have you ever had sex while camping? It’s f***ing in tents!
I went to a dog show the other day. A Yorkie took Best in Show, aJack Russell took second, and a Scotty took third.
I’m starting to think the judges had some sort of All-Terriermotive.
Did you hear about the actuary who wouldn’t make whipped cream? Shewas whisk-averse.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? Athesaurus.
I don’t enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit.
I changed my phone’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
Jokes about german sausage are the wurst.
I got a job at a bakery, because I knead dough.
What do you do when you find Niacin and Thiamin at your front door?You vitamin, of course!
Did you hear about the guy who started chirping after a one nightstand? They think he caught a canarial disease.
I refuse to work with compost, it’s degrading.
A guy walks into the doctor’s office. A banana stuck in one of hisears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a carrot stuck in onenostril.
The man says, “Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor says, “Well, first of all, you need to eat moresensibly.”
Why aren’t depressed people worried about flat tires? They’re alwayscarrying despair.
What do Russian kings order on their pizzas? Czardines.
Did you hear about the banker who left her job? She just lostinterest.
What happens when a piano falls down a mineshaft? A flat miner.
Did you hear about the guy who turned into a vampire before he wasbitten? Yeah, Premature edraculation is rough.
What happens to Nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen
How do you measure the quality of my puns? A sighsmograph!
If loving kindness changes your life, is that Mettamorphosis?
A termite walks into the bar. He sits down and asks “hey, is thebartender?”
Did you hear that somebody spiked the punch at a roof designerconvention? The next day, everybody had a terrible overhang.
A Mexican magician told his audience he would disappear on the countof three. He wrapped his cape around himself and counted. “Uno… Dos…”and then disappeared without a Tres.
A Steak Pun is a Rare Medium Well Done
Did you hear about the exorcist who offers a payment plan? Apparentlyif people fall behind on payments, they’ll get repossessed!
Did you hear about the antiques collector who found an old Coca-Colalamp? She was soda lighted.
Did you hear about the Celiac Disease sufferer who went to a wheatprocessing plant? She was a real Gluten for punishment.
My friend fell into an upholstery machine. He’s fully recoverednow.
Upon his coronation, a tribal king decided he wanted to upgrade hiswoven-grass-and-wood home. So, he commissioned the best weavers in thevillage to build him a two-story home.
Weeks later, the grass-weavers finished, and moved the king’sproperty in. But the King wasn’t happy. He wanted to build a king-sizebed, but the massive stone throne used in the tribe was in the way.
Figuring a second-floor throne room would be more impressive, theKing ordered the workers to bring the throne upstairs, and then weavehim a nice, big bed on the first floor.
A few more weeks later, the King finally moved in. On the firstnight, he and the Queen decided to test out the bed. Their testing gotvigorous, and they shook the walls of the house, causing the heavythrone to plunge through the grass ceiling onto the bed, killing themboth.
The moral of the story? When you live in a grass house, don’t stowthrones.
What do you give the Pharaoh who has everything? A giftcartouche.
A clown held the door open for me. What a nice jester!
They say that no two people see color the exact same way, so really,color is just a pigment of your imagination.
Did you hear about the guy who pickpocketed a dwarf? How couldanybody stoop so low?!
I was sitting in a coffee shop, and “Bolero” came on. Around 8minutes later, everything started to un-Ravel.
Why don’t chemists like puns? All the best ones argon.
How can you tell when a clock is hungry? It goes back fourseconds.
What did the buffalo say to his son who was leaving for college?Bison.
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that theymay have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, toeveryone’s relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during thedetailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared onthe bird’s beaks and claws.
By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of thecrows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killedby an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if therewas a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versuscar kills.
He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, theyalways have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impendingdanger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”,not a single one could shout “Truck.”
My friend just installed ethernet in his home in Sydney. I can’t waitto visit the LAN down under.
My wife and I sometimes disagree about whether to add eggs to cream.Custardy disputes are always rough.
Did you hear about the guy who jumped off a Paris bridge? He was inSeine.
Did you hear about the woman who put snakes in her hair to curemigraines? Yeah, it’s oddly Medusinal.
What do you call a book on Voyeurism? a Peeping Tome.
Did you hear the guy making fake $1 coins? They arrested him in hisapartmint.
Where do pagans shop to prepare for rituals? Rite aid!
I was recently collaborating on abstract with a strict characterlimit. Every time somebody wanted to add something new, they would findsome punctuation and remove it to stay under the character count.Eventually, we ended up with an abstract during which the reader couldnever pause.
The Tragedy of the Commas strikes again.
My very favorite dishes are all cooked with petroleum byproducts. Iguess you could say I have refined taste.
My local Renaissance Festival is casting Knights tomorrow at 4pm. Bethere or be Squire.
Why did the owner of a gentlemanly goose move to North Korea? Heheard it was a great place for his propaganda.
My friend David just had his ID stolen. We just call him Dav now.
Did you hear about the machine that electronically castrates bulls?Yeah, these days, nobody buys a farm without power steering.
Why do university administrators love asparagus? It’s all stem. -Blame Kevin McGowan
Fiction always talks about the drama and mystery surrounding adeparted relative’s will. But most of the time, it’s a deadgiveaway.
What do you call it when a cat wins first place at a dog show? Acat-has-trophy!
Did you hear about the man who left his fortune to the San Andreasnature preserve? He was generous to a fault. - Blame Kevin McGowan
I need to stop hanging around with pessimistic horses. Neigh-sayersnever add anything to the conversation.
Did you hear about the oil spill relief workers who cleaned 15dolphins with a single box of borax? Turns out that, just like it sayson the box, it’s a great multi-porpoise cleanser.
Two amphibians were croaking at each other outside my window. It wasToadally ribbeting!
“Doctor, help! I’m shrinking!” “Take this and you’ll be back tonormal in a few weeks. Until then, you’ll just have to be a littlepatient.”
My neighbor’s TV only plays shows in Spanish. Poor SAP.
Did you hear about the casino restaurant that feeds its cowscannabis? Yeah, some gamblers prefer high steaks.
What’d the conductor say when she found her missing music? SCORE!
Did you hear that Apple is removing low quality programs from theiTunes Store, and writing down the developer IDs so they can’t submitmore later? It’s about time they started kicking apps and takingnames.
So the University of Illinois at Urbana Med School has created a newprogram to help doctors deal with patients who fake injuries to getdrugs. Turns out that doctors from Urbana are really familiar with ShamPain.
Did you hear about the camouflage store that doesn’t accept creditcards? Their patterns are in-visa-ble!
Did you hear about the middle school that voted to change theirmascot? It was an agricultural area, but they wanted to be progressiveand offer a female mascot. So, they had three choices, a female sheep, afemale goat, and a female deer.
After a long campaign, a series of debates, and a day of studentsvoting yes or no on each, the principal stood before his students andannounced that, in a unanimous vote, the new school mascot would be afemale sheep.
It seems that even after all the campaigning, debate, and division,the student body only had Ayes for Ewe.
How does Satan like his pasta? Al Dante.
Did you know that dropping an ant into a glass of water will tell youits gender? If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, boy ant.
Why don’t mathematicians use knives to eat prime rib? They know itcan’t be divided!
Why do bulls make terrible salesmen? They charge too much.
Do the Dukes of Hazzard ever stop for the police? Not GeneralLee.
I was running a study the other day where I dressed some people up asKoalas to see if it made them sound more Australian. It mostly wentwell, but some people needed to be shifted into the no-costume controlgroup because they didn’t like the fake fur. I hate diskoalafyingparticipants.
Did you hear about the wealthy Muslim leader who was extorted formillions of dollars by a local organized crime group? It wasn’t thatinteresting, really. Just your classic mafia Sheik-down.
To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!
Where did the king keep his armies? In his sleevies.
Did you hear about the cannibal social? Yeah, they really like tomeat new people.
A neurologist was diagnosing a man who had lost the ability to dobasic math.
“What’s 9 plus 9?” “12”.
“What’s 8 and 8?” “10”.
The doctor shook his head. “Very interesting. What about 6 times5?”
The man thought for a second, and answered “1E”.
“Aha, I’ve figured it out!” The doctor said. “Somebody’s clearly puta hex on you.”
Did you hear that Snoop Dogg brought an umbrella to an outdoorconcert? Yeah, fo drizzle.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, andsays: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Did you hear that Kaiser Permanente is starting a smaller company tohandle people who just need insurance for a few months between jobs?It’s called “Kaiser Temporariente”.
Did you hear about the Chess Grand-master who, after he lost a match,destroyed the table with a massive hammer and called lightning boltsdown to destroy his opponent’s car? He was banned from futurecompetitions for being such a Thor loser.
Did you hear that Magnesium formed an oxide layer? OMg!
I swatted a bee today. It was kind of a buzzkill.
Although I do sometimes make terrible puns, I think if you were tolook at all the puns I make, the good would outweigh the bad, and it’daverage out OK. Put differently, although I may make terrible jokes, Imean well.
I just found a penny in my dryer’s lint trap, and I can’t figure outwhere it came from. But that’s ok, I love it when the world just makescents.
I stayed on a ranch last weekend, but couldn’t really sleep well.Every time I’d drift off, a female horse would whinny and wake me backoff. It was a night mare.
Did you hear about all the hidden meanings in the Lion King? Yeah,it’s full of Simbalism.
Why did the young horse practice galloping in private? He didn’t wantto make a foal of himself.
Did you hear about the modern sushi restaurant which was taking heatfrom traditionalists for serving battered, fried tropical eels? “Otempura! O moray!”
When I was young, I wanted to be a dolphin, but as I got older, mysense of porpoise faded away.
Did you hear that Rudolph and Dasher got sponsored by a coffeecompany this year? It actually makes sense, because they’re Santa’s StarBucks.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer the other day. I don’t knowwhat he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Did you hear about the over-booked introverts camping trip? A lot ofpeople left because it was two in tents.
Did you hear about the Army commander who planted 1500 saplings nearthe North Korean border? Yeah, he felt the key to security in the regionwas more infant-tree on the ground.
Did you hear about the guy who ate six cans of alphabet soup? He hadthe biggest vowel movement ever.
One day, an Australian man was sitting in a clearing in the forest,banging cymbals and pots and pans and loudly singing off key. A localwarlock was working nearby, and came out to confront the man. He triedto be nice at first.
“Hey, would you quiet down? I’m trying to cast spells”.
The man ignored the warlock, and kept banging on the cymbals andpots. The warlock grew angry.
“Quiet down or I’ll cast a spell on you!”
The man ignored him, and sang louder.
The Warlock snapped. “If you don’t stop that racket by the time Icount to three, I’ll turn you into a Koala Bear and THEN you’ll bequiet!”
The man burst into a louder chorus still. The Warlock started tocount.
“One!” The man banged the pots louder.
“Two!” The man started banging the pots on the cymbals.
“Three!” The Warlock raised his staff, shouted incantations to thesky, enveloped in a buzzing sphere of yellow light, hurling it towardsthe man and yelling “Now you are Koala!”
But the light dissipated as soon as it hit the man, and he kept onbanging the cymbals and singing.
The Warlock shook his head. “That’s impossible! How did you notchange?!”
The man looked over at the Warlock and shrugged. “It’s just like thelast guy who wandered by said. I’m unbearable.”
If you’re considering working in a prison library, you’ll need toconsider both the prose and the cons.
What’d the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey!
Somebody just broke into my apartment and stole every lamp,flashlight, and lightbulb. I’m so delighted.
A Horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, you’re in here alot, are you an alcoholic?”
The horse ponders for a minute then responds “I don’t think I am.”And poof, he disappears.
This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they’refamiliar with Descartes’ famous postulate, “I think, therefore Iam.”
But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before thehorse.
I was gonna tell a joke about Sodium, but then I thought, “Na”.
I almost just walked across a freshly re-coated blacktop driveway.Alas, my pathfinding appears to be Phalty.
It turns out that Diet Mountain Dew is the same price in vendingmachines on campus as it is at local grocery stores, so I’m not losingany money buying it cold and fresh. Nobody can say I haven’t done my Dewdiligence.
One day, the man driving a large passenger train was texting with hisnew girlfriend and unthinkingly accelerated the train into a curve. Thetrain went out of control and derailed, killing everybody on the trainbut him. After being sentenced to 98 counts of manslaughter at thetrial, he was sentenced to death.
When the day finally came, the warden asked what he wanted as hisfinal meal. He responded “Eighteen bananas and a cup of grain alcohol”.When the Warden questioned why, the man fell silent. But, trying to becompassionate, the Warden provided the bananas, which the man quicklyand purposefully ate, one after the other. After refusing to talk to apriest, the man was brought into the death chamber and strapped into theelectric chair.
Finally, all procedures completed, the Warden threw the switch. Allthe lights in the room went dim, but the man sat quietly in the chair,completely unaffected. After a full minute, the Warden cut the power,checked all the connections, turned up the current, and threw the switchagain. A sharp hum echoed through the room, the lights flickering anddimming, but again, the man sat unaffected, tapping his fingers as ifbored.
The Warden, clearly perplexed, went in back, checked the breakers,replaced the headband and tightened all the straps. He turned thecurrent to the maximum, and threw the switch. The lights went outthroughout the rest of the prison, the room filling with the sound ofarcing power and the sharp smell of Ozone. But after two full minutes,the man in the chair shrugged, clearly bored, and the Warden turned offthe power.
The Warden removed the man’s blindfold. “According to the law, if yousurvive three execution attempts, we have to let you go. But I’ve got toask: was it the bananas and the alcohol that saved you, somehow?”
The man shook his head. “No.The jury said it themselves: I’m just aterrible conductor.”
Why are Lab-Collie crosses so good in teams? They’re naturalCollaboradors!
Today at my local grocery store, they were playing the 80’s “I blessthe rains down in Africa” song, which is now ruthlessly stuck in myhead. At least they had good bread, so it wasn’t a Toto loss.
Two men were sitting on the banks of the Vaal river, in South Africa,watching people wade across. They watched a short, young girl and herpetite mother swim through without trouble. Then a tall man tried towade across, and got swept away by the current. Then a group of youngboys floated across on a log. Then a huge bear of a man, attempting toswim, was forced back to the shore, nearly drowning.
One says to the other, “You know, it’s odd that these huge men keepgetting pushed back by the river while schoolchildren crossuneventfully.”
The other shook his head. “Not really. You know the old saying: Thebigger you are, the harder the Vaal.”
I bought my friend an elephant for her room. She said “Thanks!”, Isaid “Don’t mention it.”
So, can a Parseltongue in the Harry Potter Universe write code inPython?
What time do you go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.
How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for FreshPrints.
I walked by an eye clinic’s waiting room today. I didn’t go inbecause everybody there looked kind of funny.
Did you hear about the secret pilot? He spent much of his life in daskies.
Did you hear about the dog who swallowed scrabble tiles? His nexttrip out to the yard spelled “disaster”.
Singing quietly has never been my forte.
Did you hear about the farm that produced camel milk? They shut downbecause of the chaos caused by camels running away and attacking peoplewho tried to milk them, combined with legal disputes and a nasty divorceamong the owners.
Yep. Turned out to be a real drama-dairy!
What do French people call a terrible thursday? A Trajeudi.
Living in Ann Arbor, I have developed a terrible speed bumpaddiction. But I’m slowly getting over them.
Did you hear about the man who called his doctor’s office becausehe’d turned invisible? Sadly, nobody could see him for weeks. (Credit toEzra Keshet for the improved punchline)
I was just talking with a buddy, and he mentioned a Mike Nguyen, andI thought he was talking about another guy, Dom Nguyen. I guess youcould say it was a Nguyen/Nguyen situation.
Why can’t bikes stand up unsupported? They’re two tired.
Did you hear about the Norwegian robot that analyzed a bird? Yeah,it’s Scandinavian.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.
Did you hear about the man who swallowed six small plastic horses?Doctors described his condition as “Stable”.
I think somebody added more dirt to my vegetable garden. The plotthickens!
Did you hear about the new website Colorado has developed for thereleased rare wild cats, which helps them to connect, keep tabs on eachother, and discover new opportunities? Yeah, the state’s prettyoptimistic about LynxedIn.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Russian, aLatvian, a Turk, an Aussie, Two Kiwis, a German, and American, aCypriot, an Egyptian, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Pole, a Lithuanian, aRomanian, a Dane, an Israeli, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Greek, a Norwegian,an Ethiopian, a Nigerian and a Chilean walk into a nightclub.
The bouncer steps in front of the group. “Sorry, I can’t let you inwithout a Thai.”
Did you hear about the group of boats which crushed each otheragainst their mooring structure? Yet another casualty of pierpressure.
I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
What’s the best courier company to send parcels of food to formerlovers? Fed Ex!
I just burned a Hawaiian pizza I was making. Should have cooked it ataloha temperature!
A bottle of Omega 3 Fatty Acids fell on my head yesterday at thestore. Don’t worry, I only got super fish oil injuries.
How do Greek people navigate their way to lunch? Using aGyros-scope!
I had a terrible speed bump addiction, but I’m slowly getting overthem.
I keep trying to start exercising, but it just isn’t working out.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory? De-brie wenteverywhere.
Did you hear about the fork factory with inconsistent qualitycontrol? It was the best of tines, it was the worst of tines.
Did you hear about the pacifist insect farmer? He got fired becausehe wouldn’t herd a fly.
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft? Classical Conditioning!
What kind of doctor is always on call? An oncologist!
Guy walks into the bar with jumper cables over his shoulder.Bartender says, “Don’t start anything!”
Just after finishing a four year stint in the Navy, my friend changedher name from Marie to Mary. I asked her why. “It’s like they alwayssay,”I before E, except after sea”
Two old vulture buddies have been flying from New York to Floridaevery winter together for years. But one year they mutually decide thatthey’re too old to be flapping their wings for those many hundreds ofmiles, and they’re going to take a commercial airplane. So they maketheir reservations.
They arrive at the airport and walk up to the counter to check in.The agent, seeing that one of them has a suitcase, says ‘May I checkthat for you, sir?’
The vulture replies, ‘No thank you. It’s carrion.’
(Courtesy of Ellen Kaisse)
My friend has fallen head over heels for a new girl. She’s only ahumble whisky maker, but he loves her still.
RIP Boiling Water. You will be mist.
Did you hear that the inventor of the Knock Knock joke got a no-bellprize?
Why are noses in the middle of your face? They like to be the scenterof attention.
A woman walks into the ER and sits down in chairs. After a moment ofsilence, she shouts “Shouldn’t!”. A minute passes. “Can’t! Wouldn’t!”Another minute. “Oughtn’t! Could’ve! Won’t!”. A doctor hears her shoutsand dashes over to her. “Somebody call the maternity ward! This woman’shaving contractions!”
Did you hear about the depressed pachyderm? He felt irrelephant tothe people around him.
Did you hear about the new discount human egg harvesting chain that’spushing all its competitors out of business? Yeah, they’re really takingova.
Did you hear that the guy who can tell the future using fish eggs hasa date AGAIN tonight? Yeah, turns out he’s quite the Roemancer.
Did you hear about the woman who started going to parties and joiningnew clubs after she made pesto? Yeah, she apparently she usedextroversion olive oil by mistake.
Did you hear about the passionless baker? Yeah, he doesn’t reallycare about his work, he just kneads the dough.
Sharon Miller, a prominent local architect, had been designing abeautiful stone porch for her mansion for several years. The process wasracked with indecision, with changes to the design and materials comingnearly every week. At one point, she’d even ordered fifteen tons of abeautiful (and surprisingly inexpensive) shale to build the structure,which she paid for in full at the time, only to realize upon deliverythat the stones, although gorgeous, were just too wide, which she feltdidn’t perfectly capture the beauty of her intricate design.
So she put a tarp over the stone and went back to the quarry,eventually settling on an astronomically expensive figured marble,planning to buy on credit and hoping that an upcoming job in Tuscaloosawould pay her enough to cover the cost. But then, as the train toTuscaloosa left the station, and while she was on the phone with herstonemason, she got a text message telling her that her design had beenrejected.
And so it was that later, as Ms Miller rode the rails, that herporch, at first quite costly, used the wider, paid-off shale.
What do you call a contact language used by people taking publictransportation? A passenger pidgin! (Thanks Emily Davis!)
I’ve started investing in stocks: beef, chicken, and vegetable.Someday, I hope I’ll be a bouillonaire.
Did you hear about the guy who broke open his piggy bank? Yeah, hereally beat it centsless.
What do you call an Altoid that loves word play? A punnish mint.
The roles of ‘nature’ vs.‘nurture’ is an ongoing debate in thepsychological field. But one’s preference for taking an elevator over anescalator is surely a difference in upbringing.
These aren’t puns, strictly speaking, but they’re too good not topost.
A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposeslike a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and castingdispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroyseverything.
A question mark walks into a bar?
A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys canfly. Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Getout — we don’t serve your type.”
A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wallbut hoping to nip it in the bud.
A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse.They depart.
A synonym strolls into a tavern.
At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy,cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cutelittle sentence fragment.
Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the barfloor.
A figure of speech literally walks Into a bar and ends up gettingfiguratively hammered.
An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is itsAchilles heel.
The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eyenamed Ralph.
The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
A dyslexic walks into a bra.
A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests theyconjugate. The noun declines.
An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the eveningwatching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.
A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and thebartender nearly chokes on the irony.
(Thanks to Andrew Provisor for this set of jokes)
How many tickles does it need before an octopus laughs? Tentickles.
Do you know that tadpoles are natural story tellers? It’s just sadthat when they get older, they lose their tales. (thanks KevinMcGowan)
Geology rocks, but geography is where it’s at.
One time, I went on a trip to visit a company and consult. I hopedthey might send a limo and driver to the airport to get me. They sent aharlequin instead. It was a bit disappointing, but I guess it was stilla nice jester.
I just opened a fortune cookie with nothing inside. Howunfortunate!
Did you hear about the flat Earth believer who decided to walk westuntil he fell off? In the end he came around, and the only thing he hadto fear was sphere itself.
Did you hear about the Vietnamese Restaurant that hired people tostand in a line that wraps around the building, just to seem morepopular? Yeah, it’s a real Pho Queue to their customers.
To be frank… I’d have to change my name.
Did you hear about the mathematician who hates negative numbers?She’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
“Everything I write comes out in tables. I guess you could say I wasborn to Excel” - Paul Smolensky
I had a great pun lined up about cheddar, but it was way toocheesy.
Did you hear the police found a misspelled message written in blood?Yeah, they suspect it was a type-o.
Trigonometry is so confusing. I wish I understood sine language.
I took my ailing Iguana to the vet recently, and she prescribed himViagra. Apparently, it’s designed to treat a reptile dysfunction.
How do you catch a one-of-a-kind rabbit? Unique up on it.
Why do teenage girls gather in odd numbers? Because they can’teven.
I just can’t stop putting things in the storage underneath my roof.I’m attic-ted.
What do you call a small soda without a tiny apple floatinginside? Miniappleless Minisoda
Did you hear about the fish who got surprised by the Gulf Stream?Yeah, he hadn’t stayed abreast of current affairs!
I fired my masseuse today. He just rubbed me the wrong way
Why are two helium isotopes so funny? HeHe!
Argon walks into a bar. The bartender said “Hey, get out of here, wedon’t serve noble gases”. Argon didn’t react at all.
How do you make Holy Water? You boil the hell out of it.
What do you call the lettuce left over after you make a salad? TheRomainder!
Did you hear about the man who lost the ability to hear low andmidrange frequencies? He was in a world of treble.
Why does the Little Mermaid wear Sea Shells? Because D shells weretoo big!
Why don’t tennis players get married? Because love means nothing tothem.
Want to hear an Ebola joke? You probably won’t get it.
How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.
I was hoping to avoid vowel reduction in this dataset, but I seem tohave failed. Put differently, I fought the schwa and the schwa won.
Why did the ghost cross the road? To get to the Other Side.
Ever wonder about the origins of the phrase “In a pickle”? Well, elsewould you call such a Dill-emma?
If you’re ever attacked by a group of clowns, go for the juggler.
What do you call having too many dogs? A roverdose.
What’s the difference between Batman and a shoplifter? Batman can gointo a store without Robin.
Why did the patron at the Indian restaurant ask so many questionsabout the menu? He was just curry-ous.
Never trust a statistician. They’re always plotting something.
If you can have Orpheus or Eurydice in one place, but not both,doesn’t that make him XORpheus?
How much do computer scientists like 0 and 1? Quite a bit.
Did you hear that Gucci is experimenting with putting their logo onliving cows? It’s quite an interesting brand collab.
Did you hear about the lions, antelopes, elephants and wildebeestthat escaped from the Atlanta zoo? It wasn’t so bad, really, they foundthem all in Savannah.
These are all attributable to the truly punrivaled Indian Hills Community Center,whose sign many Coloradans have groaned at for years, and weretranscribed from photos by Kurt Simmons.
Overeaters Anonymous 888-888-8888
Police Car loses wheels to thief. Cops are working tirelessly to nabsupect
If your guydoesn’t appreciate fresh fruit puns, let that mango.
In high school Robert E. Lee was voted most likely to secede.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set highenough.
If you cannot master the guitar, Don’t fret.
Tongue-Twister champion arrested. D.A. seeking tough sentence.
I’ve started a chicken dating site. Not full time, but enough to makehens meet.
The largest mountains are always tired. It seems they don’tEverest.
Local apartment building has one unit left. It’s last, but notleased.
Man injured in bizarre Peek-A-Boo accident. He’s in ICU.
New CBD infused toilet paper! Now everyone can calm their buttdown!
Butterflies are not what they used to be.
I can’t believe it has been a year since I didn’t become a betterperson.
The first step is admitting you’re a problem.
Life and Beer are very similar. Chill for best results.
I’m not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.
Underwear bandit caught. Admits brief crime spree.
Boycott Shampoo. Demand Real Poo!
Eat alphabet soup. Have a vowel movement.
Dr.Pepper is a fizzicist.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is my roll model.
Alaskan Eye Doctors are Optical Aleutians
What’s made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe!!
Did you hear about the guy whose nine-headed pet was stolen? He wasreally dehydrated.
A wealthy farmer, seeing his two boys having no direction in life,decides to buy them a cattle ranch, so they can raise the beef that theyso enjoy eating. They ask him, “Dad, what should we call the cattleranch?”. He says “Call it ‘Focus’”. Confused, they ask him why. “Well,the focus is where the sun’s rays meet.” - Blame RichMorrow
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed somespace. - Blame Jasmin Olmeda
What kind of grades do pirates get in school? High C’s
In a forgotten part of a forgotten ocean lies an island which is bestknown for its hospital and rehabilitation facility for raptors. Also ofnote in the area is the rare species of dolphins that live forever. Theeagles at the facility are excellent craftsbirds, producing variousitems that are highly prized by the dolphins. An enterprising Colobusmonkey on the island has started a business delivering the items. Oneday she runs across a sleeping lion on jungle path. She gingerly stepsover the lion to continue her delivery. Immediately a highway patrolmansteps out of the jungle and gives her a ticket for transporting illeagle goods over a staid lion for immortal porpoises. - Blame RichMorrow
Did you hear about the successful tungsten miner? Yeah, he reallytook the W
Did you hear about the chemist who gave away every dollar he made? Hewas Sb.
Why don’t cows drive? Because they can’t steer! - Thanks to DanielHill
What do you call a cow that jumps from tree to tree like Tarzan? ABovine. - Thanks to Daniel Hill
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